Explain yourself; dont make me drag it out of you. Another example: My parents both corrected their local accents to American Standard Television English long before I was born, so I grew up with that accent myself. When a friend asks and I find out that I am busy I often offer some other day to show them that I am interested in hanging out with them. "You know I can do this anytime.". So if you say Im probably going to that new movie, they dont ask and youre not put on the spot. So yeah, I feel that part too. Probably just working on some homework. He said, Oh yeah? and just went on, no indication that he was asking for any reason other than general curiosity. Later that evening I find out through facebook that HE went out ice skating, with several of our friends, and he had never even mentioned to me that he was going, let alone asked if I wanted to come too! Im well aware of that risk. Doesnt work with friends / family obviously, but I have to consult my husband every single time when it comes to sales pitches / offers in retail / invitations from strangers etc. I have been thinking about this one for some time now, and Im stuck: What is a good response to What are you up to tonight / this weekend / next Thursday?. Acquaintances or co-workers get a vague answer, like, {5 words to say Im in/out of town or am/arent super booked}, then, What are you up to? because its really just small talk. They may just be an indirect communicator, and Hey, want to go have dinner might feel too abrupt without any conversational preamble. I suspect some of the people who are giving a vaguer yeah to the lets hang out have answered what they thought was an actual suggestion with Saturdays are good for me and gotten um, er, Im kind of busy these days, Ill call you and never hearing back. And when I say angling, it might not be in a cornering way. Funny Bumble Answers #4: Ironic, Nerdy-Cute Guy Dont do that to a friend. Yup. I also love Caps I need to check my calendar and get back to you approach. Tomorrow is the weekend! I cant see into the future and neither can the people in my life. That! and she looked really pissed off, and I worried that maybe it sounded like I was looking for an excuse, any excuse, to get out of whatever she was proposing. When its done as the pre-request, I get really annoyed that the person wont just ask me directly. E- Engage in the fun. (And this is all, of course, assuming I dont want to go. And when they do, you need to be prepared with the most appropriate reply to make the most of the situation. If you want to push them to just say why they want to know, ask. (And boy howdy, did she get pissy when I responded with not really. We did NOT live together well.). Yes, this. To me, thats pretty manipulative and when its done I generally conclude that its done on purpose. But sometimes that comes across as I just dont want to, and thats pretty hurtful. Right now? I also feel compelled to give easy ways out when I feel like Im making a request, including ending requests with and no is a perfectly acceptable answer.. Thursday is awful for me rushing all day invites the questioner to drop the topic, and Nothing, how about you invites the questioner to ask you to the fun thing. Saying no at that point feels rude, and yeah some people have reacted badly. There is literally a meme that says When you ask me what Im doing today and I say Nothing, it does not mean Im free. But people should take turns is different from someone else should always go first (or for gendered/other status reasons, I should always go first). If those people have sufficient ability to cause difficulty or danger if they are displeased, it may not be advisable to say to them but not because it it rude; because those people cause problems when things dont go their way. Crossword puzzles, chess, sudoku, or other puzzle games Cooking Travel Gardening Art, music, crafts, writing, podcasting That takes some skill. (Im a lady dating ladies btw, if thats relevant, though I have also dated men before and my experience is definitely colored by some of the emotional labor / potential gender-related danger issues some of the commenters pointed out thats spot on). But I think it tracks beyond that particular experience. No one asks or cares, but its as vague as the original request and helps facilitate the DELAY! tactic the Captain talks about. Thats not cool.. That is AMAZING and I love Gladys (and you) and that is going directly into my repertoire for Dealing With Those Extroverts. But they seemed concerned that this type of answer was not appropriate or that there might be a better strategy. Like now? That is my current standard response. THIS. So, it's important to read the situation and know how well the person asking you out will respond to a little joke. Personally, Id recommend not babysitting at all for six months to allow cousin the time to get used to the idea that LW is not cousins handmaiden, then seeing if LW can re-engage with the cousin in a mutually respectful manner. So, since my unspoken fear in this situation is that Ill have revealed my availability for an activity I dont want to do and that Ill be too polite to outright say I dont want to go, I figured I might as well express it, even if jokingly. "When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark." 2. Because everybodys got something. Going back to work? Also, that is very common; very few people I know can really remember everything they are doing for months ahead. 96 views, 2 likes, 0 loves, 0 comments, 2 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from J.Cano: Law & Order: SVU - Best Episode I get tempted to make stuff up like join the circus or sky diving or whatnot. I have friends who grew up in Poland but have been UK citizens for decades at the tops of their highly-respected professions. Im relearning advanced math as an adult because it seems fun and Im bitter that I grew up in an atmosphere that discouraged me from learning. what are you doing?. 4. Indoor Cat raised some good points. My range is from fine, thanks, and you to tired but otherwise good to a real answer but nothing too dark or detailed. When Im asked that question (by people other than DD), I usually go with Why do you ask?. I chitchat with cashiers so its totally fine to say something like, Ah, gosh, so crazy today I got a flat tire and Im just grabbing something easy for dinner. In other words if you have the time and energy to construct a lowkey, mildly entertaining story then go for it, otherwise just stick with Great, how are you? and you can let the conversation drop from there. As a lot of commenters have pointed out what are you doing this weekend can be asked in a variety of contexts with a variety of motives BUT one thing that has tended to work well for me is to just pick one thing Im to talk about without mentioning when it is: Im looking forward to my birdwatching class! or Partner and I are going on a hike! and then asking about their weekend. It still feels awkward, even though I do not think she is trying to manipulate me or claim my time. Im pretty thoughtful about when I feel Im entitled to expect her participation, and when Im not. @TootsNYC If you want your daughter to do her share of chores, it is a better idea not to tell her to take the trash out (now or in the next couple of hours) but rather have a family meeting at the beginning of the week, talk about what needs to be done (not only stuff that you consider important but also stuff that your daughter considers important) and then you talk about who does what. If I just say it sounds fun but Im not up to it, they respect that. Good luck. Fill in the gaps using the correct form of Future Simple Tense. These guys then hope the girl will then respond with relating a fun anecdote, to which the guy will respond by asking a question or two to keep her talking, and then hell think, Great! I was never taught that was the correct answer. Add me as another one for Why? or Why do you ask? Because Ive discovered the people who ask what Im doing are usually people who want to ask me to do something they know I wont want to do (usually. I Hope You. If you have people in your life who you trust not to get offended at this exchange, definitely give this method a try. LWs letter got me thinking and i thought about using this kind of questions and realized that the only time I actually use them is with really close friends with whom I would just like to hang out or intend to make plans together. Well see you at other times but this ones for us.. "Yes, the weekend always . Ask back? But I dont want to? heres what i dont get: why would it be a problem, in the scenario youve given, to say, eh, i wish, but im swamped this week, shitYXZs been happening, ill ping you next week tho. So in the next day or two, perhaps on some morning when you leave your house and shes there waiting for you, you tell her, firmly but cheerily with giant beaming smiles that the morning walks will be separate from now on because those are for you to have conversation with your children. Stopping people you vaguely know on the street, without a care for what theyre doing or where theyre going, invading their privacy without having asked for and received prior permission for a scheduled social encounter, and then taking up their precious time to interrogate their current mood is, not surprisingly, offputting to some! Do you have time to talk?" "What Are You Up To?" Can Be a Way to Ask "Are You Busy?" Here's another example: Jana: Hi Rob, how are you? Anything fun planned? It helps that at this point in my life Ive stopped associating with people who dont understand that sometimes you can only have so much fun and then you need some time to like, open all your mail and pet the cat. Your feelings are your own and it sounds like What are you doing this weekend? has reached a point where hearing the question adds a ton of negativity to the interaction for you, which might be where this response is coming from? I know its a big favor, but obviously I would pay you, and I have cable, high-speed internet, and a chocolate fountain with dark, milk, and bittersweet streams. or are you busy?). I saved up enough to move out. So the question layers, starting with are you free Saturday? Are a strategy Ive used to hopefully take the pressure off other people. I agree with the Captain that its all about boundaries. There are still traces of that damage; Im still mad about it. That said, you do have to be ok with saying no. I also find why do you ask? really handy as a polite way to signal someone is being nosy. When someone really finds you funny over text, they may send laughing emoji or 'haha'. Or autistic natives; I know this one intellectually, but I still have a lot of trouble remembering in the moment that its usually not a real question, and Im also unsure how to respond when I do remember, because I dont like lying, and Im well/fine is usually a lie for me. Answer vaguely. 3. ? I had a boss once who sometimes wanted to know if I could work overtime on the weekend, but sometimes wanted to know if there was quirky events on that her daughter might be interested in. Id rather know the thing up front so I can answer it directlyare you free without telling me the activity feels like a setup. and get back to work.) I get the feeling Im not alone, I always thought my relationship with my parents was healthy until I became an adult and now I dread conversations with them. Its aggravating, but it makes sense. So, sometimes it is a trap! I really enjoyed my years living in the American South, but I realized the day would never come when I wouldnt be seen as an outsider. They know this. Its also pretty casual, and most people automatically reply to that question because its so common. One of the costs of challenging social rules is that it makes it harder for people to learn them. Im glad youre no longer friends with that jerk. Unless youre at the stage of an established friendship where you have agreed to get together for dinner every other Saturday, or are discussing plans for the next visit to your long-distance sweetie during this visit, any actual social plan is only going to happen after someone risks discovering that the other person is less interested than they are. Your radishes that you consider joint family radishes because everyone could eat them? I might be up for casual after work hangs but not going clubbing in that sketchy bar across town. Enjoying life and nothing else. Are you busy? And I think for online dating purposes Im going to assume #2 unless I get significant evidence otherwise. Thanks to this blog, mostly , Yeah, I also dont entirely understand how the question could be meant to make it easier to decline an invitation. It is one of my pet peeves. I want to ask you to help me with a project tonight. Life is filled with lots of required thing that some folks loathe and others either like or dont care either way. Similar boundary setting but this is a different angle. People ask this to fill the time while standing at the break room microwave, not bc they want to trap you into revealing state secrets and hardcore kinks. You don't want to end up like your crazy aunt who keeps asking you the same question during every holiday dinner. But it puts me on edge every time I hear it. You would think, right? It seems to me to have grown somehow out of how do you do, to which the appropriate response was, of course, how do you do. I actually trained my mother out of this question by responding to every vague What are you doing on X? by saying Tell me what you really want to know. Fortunately, my mother is a reasonable person who understands boundaries, and mostly just laughed and said Good point, Z is going on and Id like to go and wanted company. She also totally gets my introversion and that sometimes I dont have anything going on but Id still rather not do Z is a perfectly valid answer. BUT! If an invitation to something materializes at this reply, I have no problem saying No. He hardly ever asks anymore though. Its all the other situations I listed that bother me the ones where I dont always know the purpose of the question / true intent of the asker, or I suspect its to get me to do something. Thanks, I woke up like this. Interesting. Ex.1. Paris color stylo eye shadow neon skirt Paris color riche le stylo eye shadow bronzed How much vitamin c does a clementine have Loreal paris color riche stylo smoky eye avant azure What to get a guy for valentine's day Paris stylo smoky eye shadow hollywood Why is friendship better than relationship Desculpa para sair mais cedo do trabalho View Each Day as an Opportunity, Not an Obligation, Everything That You Can't do Because You Have Kids. But more often we talk about their kids or grandkids or the cute hat theyre wearing or the wedding theyre shopping for. I really wish I had some better scripts to deal with this stuff how do I limit our contact with her to a level where the kids and I are still happy to see her, without pissing her off? #1078: Sooooooowhat are you doing thisweekend?, Follow CaptainAwkward.com on WordPress.com. The lines of dominance and power are what make this a problem. 1. She gets what crowds people like and is on point with inviting me to the right events. Im talking about the OMG, how can you feel that way?! With some people, though, perfect honesty might be the best solution if you expect them to follow you closely in social media: Uh oh, that week is really busy and I am going to be very tired and stressed in [time]. The only exceptions are: 1. I think LW is unable to separate people doing something that they personally find annoying, and people intentionally trying to annoy them. Basically the thing you wrote about duties like babysitting, expanded to fun events. But then theres her Im going to need you to be my helper for Christmas Day because Im getting older, and that doesnt seem so presumptuousits MY Christmas Day and MY extended family too. Tucker makes the case that there is a war against Christians happening in America on 'Tucker Carlson Tonight:' TUCKER CARLSON: You always imagine in your mind's eye that it's evil men who destroy . Not much fun, but also not optional right now. (Aunt doesnt need to know whether your laundry has reached the point of not going to have clean clothes to wear or not.). Why, whats up?, Yessss exactly. The most generic reply to a compliment is always going to be "thank you". Point 1 also notes that LW apparently finds the small-talk aspect unusually invasive ze doesnt wish to share zir plans at all, while many people consider this to be a low-stakes social bonding ritual. But the female-seeming among us get hit with that kind of weirdly-broken thinking by our families and others endlessly in American and other western cultures. Ive got annoyed enough over this that I have been uncharacteristically assertive and told him that I dont like being asked out like that and that Id prefer that he just ask me outright about whatever activity it is and the date. They may want to squee about something exciting, or vent about something theyre dreading, but theyd feel rude unless they ask you first. Thats a little heavy-handed to apply to someone from one letter. And take LWs at their word, maybe? Thanks! For that matter, even confident people can fall into the What are you doing Thursday? trap when theyre trying to sound unassertive. With friends and family you can be more honest if you like, but you dont have to. Theres an element of contempt to it, that this is what you would be doing with your time. You always say Im working on my crochet projects this weekend. Grocery store cashiers, random people in the elevator, and taxi drivers dont want or need more of a response. If I say why and she responds with something easily done another time or only sort of appealing, Ill judge it against a nice evening of doing nothing and maybe pass. Funny Responses to Rude Comments Sorry fella, I don't have the energy to pretend to like you today. The people who are asking what are you doing this weekend? before making a request are taking away the LWs easy out that is, by getting LW to admit that he/she/they are free, the option to refuse with Oh, sorry, I have plans already is no longer there. My workmates and I ask all the time stuff like what are you up to tonight/on the weekend? and its almost never a prelude to inviting them to something, its just small talk sharing our lives. Im okay not giving you your exact expected or hoped for answer. Especially not in NYC, where housing is so tight, and especially when she doesnt have a job.). When I have no plans I tend to respond with some variant of Just chilling, and then if the person offers something that I want to do, I can decide its more fun than chilling, but if I dont want to do it, then its been a long week and I just really need that chill time, you know? Especially as its usually done over text, which (to me) precludes the idea of it being small talk. Unless your friends are kind of jerks they wont interrogate you about your exact schedule. If you both talk about what to do in the garden (I know you probably dont own one, its an example), is it a conversation like I want to plant radishes Well, I want to plant flowers Fine, then we plant one half with flowers of your choice and one half with radishes and everyone waters everything? I honestly dont even know why people say it at all when Ive never seen a follow-up to it. Vagueing it up works for me. Theyre expecting to hear seeing a movie and doing some yardwork, not reciting my social security number out loud while treating my intimate medical issues or anything else not normally shared with a crowd. They say hey, and you reply with the same. Ive got some stuff to do around the house, etc. Do you know the meaning of the weekend? So that golden rule requires a bit of pre-invitation sounding-out. If I have to treat her like a grownup, and not like my minor child that I can boss around, she can fucking treat ME like a grownup, and not like her mommy that she takes for granted. Usually people have to give me a straight answer after that. ' If you ' re studying, doing homework or anything else you deem daunting, this is a great text to send your crush. Like "How are you?" can be asked formally and informally, the response of that can be a unique one, too. . With strangers (e.g., cashiers) and other people you dont know personally well (casual acquaintances, colleagues with whom you are not also friends, etc. In the UK, most encounters respond with fine/good/grand, how are you?, In formal encounters, respond with how are you?. friend: yooooooooo goodyou And it's a great way to know what's at the top of someone's mind. Lots of commenters here are noting that people ask about weekend plans as small talk. that sounds fun! Im surprised to find out this is annoying, I guess, because I am such a What are you up to this weekend? asker when I want to hang out. Also it varies on friend one friend, if I ask him if hes free Friday, we both understand that means beer and movies until the early hours, by default. But sometimes its manipulative, as LW also said. Ive seen too many nightmare scenarios of late, in the wake of the Aziz Ansari mess, that start out exactly like you are describing. Jackpot! And asking someone what theyre doing is not the same as issuing an invitation. And I understand many of your points. But of course Im going to judge her reason for refusing. I think the idea is that someone who thinks no is hard will get the direct request and start cancelling plans, because no one would actually directly ask for babysitting unless this was the most important event of their lives. Any event. And then I would walk away thinking that was a really awkward conversation and wonder if that person didnt like me or was fishing for an invitation to something or what. Its the pre-request that to me frequently feels almost manipulative or entrapping. Jana: It's ok. I'll catch you later. Its great! If youd rather not, I would love to immediately pretend this never happened and talk about dinosaurs for the next ten minutes, and then never bring it up again. The fallout you talk about? Today I feel blessed and happy for no reason. Im glad for the above scripts! I dont know what would do the most damage for NYCs daughter long-term, but I do know that no matter the form it ultimately takes, the preservation of parental lines of dominance into the adulthood of the child will do real damage long-term. Is it a throwaway social nicety, or a veiled attempt to get you to accept a task or invite? If she has problems with overbearing family, then she needs to learn how to deal with overbearing family, but shes still gonna have to function at People Interactions 101, which includes whatre you doing this weekend., Its actually amazing how much supposedly required stuff you can avoid doing by just not doing it (sadly depending on your level of privilege; Im speaking from a white cis-woman perspective). ), but I can tell you that even from that POV, I generally have few expectations of this kind of question. You could just ask. E- Excitement. I recognize that the question can DEFINITELY be used to intentionally or unconsciously other people, Her problem with it seemed more about having to answer it ALL the time than any implied racism or xenophobia. The Captains advice is great. And if someone is trying to open a debate about the validity of your plans vs. what they want you to be doing, it is a refusal to take the podium. Just wow. By mentioning the weekend, it ' s a great segue to ask them what they ' re doing. For example, Looking forward to the weekend? or I hope you get to relax this weekend.; My take is that if they wish to continue the conversation, they will do so, but if not, they can reply with a Yes/No. Auto-reply email sample: Hi [first_name], Thanks so much for reaching out! Please note, Ive explained why I often say no and that Im very much a loner. I know whats best for me. If they continue after that, theyre super pushy and rude and Ill say as much. I used to get really annoyed with this question from my sister, specifically, for the reasons LW gives. A: I'm planning to just take it easy. Nobody listens anyway. I like why do you ask? as a pre-programmed autoresponse, because it leaves room for them to stay, just wondering if you have fun plans, or making conversation.. I understand the concept, but it seems to me that getting an invitation after revealing that you were nominally free at that time would make refusal even harder, not easier. I completely agree that when it comes to a duty (like babysitting) this question is somewhat unfair. "Thanks, it was a chance to relax and I am grateful for that.". They are called Saturday and Sunday." - Anonymous 3. It makes you feel like whatever you do, you are expected to conform to being othered. And maybe just dont think of the flip side where the question could potentially add more pressure. Apparently, social people use this question as a test to see if you are really one of them. ? comments. Might I suggest a they or a xie, my friend. And found myself saying yes more often than I wanted to. The problem with these is that the aforementioned cousin who wants you to babysit may treat your I dont know as nothing at all, I have zero excuses. You need to know your audience, but it does work well for the nosy-only requests. I get the friendly sentiment, but its not always welcome and people would do well to use more discretion. I hear you. person: Hey, hiya, rya? Thanks! The one my family goes with is Surviving. I just want to say I appreciate that, you know, you havent started charging your daughter rent, etc. (Seriously? I am eating. Those of us who are white have a hard time grasping the sheer weirdness that tends to go into this stuff. Trying to build a house. I mean, what else are you supposed to do with life? Can we not use spaz/spazzy, please? There is no need to think about what they're up to or why they sent you the . Im struggling not so much w/ her being at home as I am w/ my worries about her, and with trying to decide whats the best thing for me to doapply pressure? A party people pop quiz so to speak. Wake up late Sunday morning and go ride or play in the mud. Theres always some kind of obligation, because theyre my parents and I love them and I want to honor what theyve done for me in giving me a great life. I wouldnt mind your first either, but thats because the few people whod ask me exactly that are close enough for me to answer however Id like. If I were any better, I'd be you. Be polite. Read also. I dislike being asked this question too, except in my case its more that I dont want to be asked this question by coworkers, ever. Flip the question back on them. After answering you always ask the other person in return how they are, and they respond in kind. I had a two-day conversation with my cat about vacuums versus lint rollers. Im super introverted and have medium to high levels of anxiety, depending on the situation. I also answer yeah, that would be great and then never hear from them again. after Ive made my piece clear. If someone challenges me on something, my default response is to assume the other person is right and I am wrong. Relatedly, this is not an impolite thing to say. This is another good and funny response to give to "whats up" because depending on who you say it to, they might find it to be relatable enough to laugh at. Hmm, just tried re-creating my original comment and thats not showing up either. I thought why do you ask? meant you are being nosy. Those on the other side never see it that way. This is one of those times where being okay with yourself and your own boundaries about this will help you deal with other people in a mannerly-yet-assertive fashion. People use it for all sorts of reasons. I love so hard your example in #3. You can help!'. And they come up organicallyI dont invent them just to make her jump through hoops. People of just about any accent can turn up just about anywhere and be from there. Is it just me? No matter how old you are, you don't want to be badgered about your life choices. I dont want to give you a rundown of my plans. 2. Im a hardcore introvert, most of my plans are sitting at home, not doing anything in particular and if I answer the question truthfully, and then there comes the invitation, Im in a very tight spot because I already admitted that I dont have anything serious enough to warrant me declining the offer. A short, simple reply can be all it takes for you to let them know you appreciate their comment. Then they use your answer to decide if you're the sort of person who gets to join their clan and engage in merriment and shenanigans on a regular basis. I'm going to say this to my parents. Is it OK to invite the usual people? Why is receiving an invite considered such a stressor and its ok not to get back to the person. but I agreeparents of adult children (Hell, parents of NOT adult children) need to be more respectful of their childrens time and energy. Not always). And my mom thought I was like the most studious kid ever, because I knew that if I ever looked like I had free time, she would fill it with chores, so I always had some kind of project to work on (I did have the grades to back this up or it wouldnt have worked).
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