Cabin Attendant Two-legged mobile device for extracting cash from a captive audience, 56. Officer: Thats no way to address an officer! HubPages is a registered trademark of The Arena Platform, Inc. Other product and company names shown may be trademarks of their respective owners. He had noticed that, for the umpteenth time, a recruit kept going to his right on a left command. Aircraft Engineers 1. 18. He had the same plane as yours. Marine Approved is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associate Program. My gunnery sergeant and I were inspecting a Marine training exercise when we spotted a second lieutenant ambling about. I am the PMC at a Dinner Night next week, where apart from my Boss and myself the rest of the guests are Army (from an array of cap badges). An officer asked if I knew what it meant. Corporal Wabo is a former Infantry Squad Leader with 3rd Bn 4th Marines that specialized in Mortars. A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. It was World War IIthe frontand we were on high alert. What do you call a Marines with an IQ of 160? His son had clearly focussed more on dividing rather than conquering. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ..I Shall Fear No Evil. Top Flight Deck / Cockpit Jokes and Memes Collection. What do Marines have in common with other members of the Armed Forces? Theres a post recall and he went to work. ", The customs agent began his interrogation "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband, or illegal drugs in your possession? Military 3. ", 55. He had noticed that, for the umpteenth time, a recruit kept going to his right on a left command. Aircraft Pilot "Radar, we're a flight of two A10s, currently overhead and, er, we've forgotten our callsign", Radar Controller: "No problem, we'll allocate temporary ones: adopt callsign Stupid One and Stupid Two". Why does the military have a strict dress code for ceremonies and events? After my niece returned from her second tour in Iraq, I remarked how beautiful her complexion looked. My husbands cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. I served in Korea, said Uncle Jerry. The MPs read the letter, saluted, and left. Military Jokes and Humor stories have always amused and entertained. We recommend our users to update the browser. Not long after, I had a large kettle of soup simmering. The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. These jokes are perfect for anyone in the military to laugh at. Evidently, one of my classmates found the talk less than stimulating and fell asleep. When the the Marine came back the Soldier nodded and thanked him for the drink, very pleased he pulled one over on the Marine. The c.i.a. 2023 The Arena Media Brands, LLC and respective content providers on this website. However, the mood was brightened when he received a birthday cake from his sister. 30. To begin with, the U.S. in early 2022 had 38,500 troops stationed on German soil almost 40% of the total number it deploys in all of Europe. The flight attendant on our trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. We know that there are hundreds and hundreds of military jokes out there. The danger of incident is no jokein 1985, a Japanese 747 airliner lost its tail midflight and plummeted into a mountain, killing 520 in the deadliest aircraft accident involving just one plane . Shotgun: Comparison for a First-Time Gun Buyer, What Are The Basic Parts Of Ammunition? They are the ones protecting us at all times from external threats. They want their patients to see 20:20! It was basic training, and I was seated in the barber chair bemoaning the impending loss of my hair when the barber asked, Where are you from? St. 13:30 comes and goes. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer) as we strive to provide site experiences for browsers that support new web standards and security practices. But my fears were put Our bases Army Exchange Service carried a particular brand of underarm deodorant that I liked and bought for years. One day, the pilot of a single-engine Cherokee was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, Did you ever kill anyone? Every one knows the definition of a good landing is one you can walk away from. 6. Its not weak, he replied. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. St. 34. Whats the difference between the Boys Scouts and the Army? What are you doing? I asked. Want more amazing military jokes? Rodrigues? "Last one off the plane has to clean it", 25. Well, one time, as I proudly puffed away at our NCO club, an older sergeant growled, Hey, kid, your candy bars on fire.. If you want it any closer than that, youll have to bite em off from the inside.. Everyone seemed OK with this order except for one confused recruit. "He who is first will soon be last, and now I know what he means," King said, referencing a lyric from Bob Dylan as he reflected on what the race . Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. He thought he would be home about 13:30. Why Do We Celebrate It? Reluctantly, he showed it to me. What happened when a soldier went into an enemy bar? She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives! Why do optometrists set their clocks to military time? ! When a Navy fighter pilot saw this, he decided to approach the man and see what he was doing. P | Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent. 4. Thanks. Keeping it safe for democracy. Lori Shandle-Fox. She has a Bachelor of Arts in English from the University of Alabama in Huntsville. ", The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. The only time you have too much fuel is when youre on fire. Why did the optometrist set his clock to military time? Me: Still the wrong number. You might be a Coastie if a cruise does not sound like a vacation to you. Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind. Laugh or cringe but please enjoy. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Airman: "The worst was when the air conditioner broke in our tent and it was 110 degrees outside!" Soldier: "No way, you guys had air conditioners? You divertyour course! They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb. If you stop to ask Why, you will be talking to yourself, 8. Kassidy Barber is the Assistant Editor for VeteranLife.com and MyBaseGuide.com. Choose from military jokes such as army jokes, navy jokes and marine jokes that will bring out the military humor in the most serious sergeants. You seem in a good mood., He replied, Im paying a private to do all my worrying for me.. Yes, she said. We are directly under the moon.. Learn from the mistakes of others. It was our first day on the rifle range at Lackland Air Force Base. Even if you arent in the military yourself, try reading some of these out loud to someone you know in a particular branch and watch as their face lights up. I was very nervous, she said. ", Warren replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Joy fell out, but you know, fifty quid is fifty quid". How tough? As I stepped forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed. 2. The Soldier agreed, and when the Marine went to get his drink he started spitting in the Marines boots. [Answered]. I never knew you had such a weak stomach, I said. Francis Marion, the Swamp Fox, Revolutionized American Warfare. Its where we park the helicopters.. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting unexplainable wind shifts. The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. The LOUDEST Military Aviation PHOTOS Best Examples Of Aircraft Camouflage Oxcart/Blackbird Wind-Tunnel Test Models Things You Can See Almost Every Day In Dubai July 29, 2020 Fully Loaded Fighter Jets Showing Off July 2, 2020 Comical Google Maps Glitches With Airplanes May 2, 2020 Bomber Aircraft Low Passes. No one knows their way around sarcasm more than our U.S. troops. Members of the U.S. Navy are known to be a pretty sarcastic bunch. You might be a Coastie if you forget how to color coordinate normal civilian clothes after weeks of wearing only blue. If a baby joined the Army, where would they belong? Filed Under: Lifestyle, Veteran Life Tagged With: funny, humor, jokes, military jokes. They throw out a pistol. When a soldier came to the clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I will not charge you. Its a NO FLY zone! Do you know where the sensor is located? my My husband is infantry, and he said the most wonderful things to convince me to marry him: An airplane! He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the rim of Its important that soldiers learn from their mistakes; otherwise, theyre bound to repeat them at inopportune moments. Now, he said, when I say left, its the one that hurts.. Divert your course NOW! Mother, as you know, I, too, am a captain in the Air Force. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? It works just like every other seat belt and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised, 26. 29. Their one extravagance: a bare light bulb theyd hung from the ceiling. One guy was reading a newspaper article from back home about a congressional investigation into why some troops were living in relative luxury. Thank you, sir. the Soldier responds. The guy put down the paper, turned to my friend, and said, Well, there goes the light bulb.. Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas How much noise can we make up here? 40. When I heard him describe the impending birth of his first child as when the baby has boots on the A friend paid my mother a visit. Bomber Pilots Do Them Too. Anytime someone asked what his father did, hed say, Hes in the Army. I told him umpteen times, Stop telling people Im in the Army! It finally seemed to hit home because on the admittance form for kindergarten, under fathers profession, the teacher wrote, He doesnt know what his father does, but hes not in the Army.. No, we dont, she said. Aircraft Carriers Airshows Aviation History Aviation Humor Books Civil Aviation Cold War Era Drones F-14 Tomcat Helicopters Losses/Aviation Safety MiG Killers Military Aviation Space SR-71 Blackbird SR-71 Top Speed U.S. Navy Warbirds Weapons Yearly Summary. What do you call a group of kids who enlists in the military? Trask (his last name) used that heritage to lord it over me. One day, convinced he could improve things, he told the head cook, If you give me a My granddaughter's husband was complaining about how spellcheck changes the meaning of e-mails when an Air Force officer told him this story: Hed sent a message to 300 of his personnel addressed to Dear Sirs and Maams. It was received as Dear Sirs and Mamas. Phyllis Howard. You have plenty of time. Jack Girard. Unfortunately for him, our lecturer caught him. 1. WARNING: Tons of dad jokes lie ahead. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. It helps to keep the pilot cool. Well, I, too, am a SEASONED Veteran! Officer: Soldier. You the eighth, the old Marine answered. 3. 35. Sure enough, a few weeks later, I lost my key. . The tenant shook her head. It was sheer brilliance. You might be in the Coast Guard if you claim to have every woman in the port, yet youre at an ashore unit. One day, the rain was pouring like crazy and a big puddle formed in front of a local pub just outside the Navy base. ", Continental 635 "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers", 53. 37. Everything from puns to some sarcastic one-liners are included in the Army jokes below to crack on an Army member you know and love. A LOOtenant! What did the Navy dentist put on his license plate? At one point, our very intimidating instructor pointed at me and said, Theres been a jeep explosion. Proceed at your own risk. Some of the jokes on this list I first read and on their websites. Do you know where the sensor is located? my coworker asked. Me: Sorry, you have the wrong number. 4) At the real-life Topgun programthe one the film was based onthere is a $5 fine for any staffer who references or quotes the movie. This is really good, he said. 5. This program is designed to provide a way for websites to earn advertising fees by linking to Amazon. "OK Suzy" said the teacher, "please tell the class your. When finally open guaranteed to spill everywhere, 60. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position? A senior chief prompted his 25 sailors by saying, I have an easy job for the laziest man here. Unless you pull the stick too far back, then they get bigger again very quickly". Unless you can be Batman. When I was a Navy student pilot, I visited the home of a classmate. The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase. I was working in Army security when a VIP from another base called to ask to whom he should address an important letter. Ask the Air Force to secure a building and they will sign a 10 year lease with an option to buy. But other times, we also want some good clean humor with no chance of ruffling feathers. Take a look at the military jokes about the U.S. Marine Corps below to find some hilarious quips. An officer calls a young Soldier to attention, scolding him for not attending camouflage training that morning. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. Military jokes, Aviation humor, Military humor Explore Education Career Save From scontent-mxp1-1.xx.fbcdn.net Military Jokes N Nawar K. 644 followers More information Military Jokes Army Humor Funny Photos Funny Images Aviation Humor History Jokes Warrior Quotes Stupid Funny Memes Hilarious More information . What do you call a training sergeant whos very kind and respectful? If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the lights to return to the airport, 52. 'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant. These military jokes about the United States Air Force are a mixed bag. And )second The program was halted when, after years of research and millions of dollars spent, the spy cat was run over by a cab. In-flight Snacks Little treats sealed in a bag that can only be opened by using a chainsaw. 4. While serving in Vietnam, my friend and his buddies were hunkered down in a mud-filled hole that had been dug into the side of a berm and covered with lumber for protection. 8. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am" he said, "Do all these children and this luggage belong to you? Aboard a troop carrier crossing the Atlantic, I noticed a seasick pal of mine losing it over the railing alongside several other soldiers. Related read: When Is Military Appreciation Month? "As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position", 18. You would think that being a submarine captain would pay well, but Ive heard that they cant keep their heads above water. 1. Why, certainly, young man, he said, as he reached under his desk and handed me a large pair of bolt cutters. While on maneuvers in the Mojave Desert, our convoy got lost, forcing our lieutenant to radio for help. After working his magic, the barber exclaimed, There you go, Yank. The Army will post guards around the building. My husband is infantry, and he said the most wonderful things to convince me to marry him: The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing Humankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there. Did it work? MARCH! What do hungry Marines eat? Do not conduct live fire exercises at the generals (unattended) jeep, even if its parked in an area clearly marked Live Fire Zone. Basically, if you click on a product link on this site and buy that product we get a small commission at no extra cost to you. While everyone was concentrating on the task at hand, I held up a spare pin and asked, Has anyone seen my grenade?. But something struck me as odd. One day, I was told As part of my Naval Reserve requirements at Emory University Dental School, I attended a talk about proper dental procedures following nuclear warfare. On landing, the Stewardess said, Please be sure to take all of your belongings. You know you cant outrun a bear, right?, The soldier said, The way I see it, I just have to outrun you.. What do you call a deer thats enlisted in the Air Force? Around midnight, I noticed movement behind a bush. Once during target practice, an unmanned drone flew past an antiaircraft cruiser. Here soldiers share what theyve gleaned from past gaffes: I was cold Im convinced my cockroaches have military training. 2. As part of my Naval Reserve requirements at Emory University Dental School, I attended a talk about proper dental procedures following nuclear warfare. Whats the main mission of the Marine Corps? The Blonde Fighter Pilot Six Triple Eight Film by Tyler Perry Is Coming to Netflix, Havana Syndrome Still a Mystery, but Foreign Involvement Unlikely, After a Storied Career, Paris Davis Is Finally Receiving His Medal of Honor, Here are 200 Remote Jobs for Veterans in 2023. U.S. Navy Warship: We are a large warship of the United States Navy. On previous visits, she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands. A tank ran over a box of popcorn and killed two Kernals, As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, All right! All you dummies fall out. As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. Passenger Cargo that talks or Self-loading freight, 58. Youre standing in it, sir, said the sergeant. What do hungry Marines eat? The Pentagon announced that its fight against ISIS will be called Operation Inherent Resolve. Sometime later, when the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. This site contains affiliate links. I am so happy you are risking your life for the USA! I admit itI have a tendency to exaggerate, and I was afraid when I joined the Navy that my creativity might get me in trouble. Joke #1 Ask the Army to secure a building and they will set up a perimeter around it and make sure nobody gets out. He holds the bulb and then the world revolves around him to screw it in. 6, 2 to cheer, 2 to fire the weapon and 2 to take pictures! The Coast Guard often gets its share of jokes starting with the fact that it was formerly part of the Department of Transportation (now Homeland Security) and not the Department of Defense . I lifted up my rifle and gave it one last try: George!! What do you call a snail that boards a Navy ship? The controller while working a busy shift told a 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). A lot of the jokes on this list I heard while I was in the Marines, but I want to give credit to our friends at ralleypoint.com and unijokes.com. Do you have change for a dollar? Only one. Decodes 7. Not to mention, when spending many hours deployed and away from home, telling jokes and connecting through humor is the best way to avoid the difficulty of real life. Unfortunately, the sun was shining Students are great about sending our troops letters, and the troops love em. You had tents?" Then, in a soft voice, he said, Probably. Why Do We Celebrate It? We are currently looking for former Marines to join the team who are interested in writing about tactical gear, survival gear, hiking supplies, etc. Keep up with Katee on Instagram and linkedin.com. One of the reasons the Air Force, Army, Navy, and Marines bicker so much is because they dont speak the same language. They sure grow up fast, dont they?. 11. These pilots' jokes can easily be turned into a pilot pun and other airlines' jokes. Good news and bad news, my instructor said. Hey, Im from Chicago too!. She approached one of the women for an explanation: What enabled women here to achieve this marvelous reversal of roles? Land mines, replied the Kuwaiti woman. For example, heres what happens when each of them is told to secure a building. After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base, in Germany, with my eight siblings and me, all under age 11. Individual use is by implied consent. Military jokes! Long Haul (pointing at the sky). The only time you have too much fuel is when you are on fire, 47. It was always selling out, and I could never keep it in stock. Marines Say OOOOORAH! The military may have invented the Internet, but not all government schemes have worked as well. "It took us a while to find a new pilot." Why did the airplane get sent to his room? If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance", To this, Warren replied, "Joy that helicopter is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid", The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. The U.S. Navy uses the stars to navigate. I was the cook.. Me: No. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. He grabbed a bagel and took a seat. I was instructing new recruits when an officer entered my classroom to observe and report on my teaching style. 15. They cant seem to string three Ws together. [Easy] How to Clean Rust off of a Gun Without Damaging it? And you also make me nervous when you visit.. I waited for whoever it was to prove he was an American and reply with the countersign, Marshall. Instead, silence.George! They came up with that name using Operation Random Thesaurus. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Some of the jokes on this list you may not fully understand or appreciate unless you were actually in the military, but most of them I think anyone can appreciate. My friend has a really toxic relationship with Navy vessels. The soldier swore under his breath at the Marine and told him he wanted to get up and get a drink. P | Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. All you have to do is remove the dirt.. Anyone wanting to take pictures on our bases airfield needs a letter from public affairs, which happens to be me. A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. Two thousand dollars a week, he replied. In college, my freshman-year roommate was in ROTC and came from a long line of military men. There are optimists and pessimists in aviation. Theres a post recall and he has to go to work. While in Kuwait, shortly before we deployed to Iraq, a major general told our meeting that we should expect to cross into Iraq in less than 24 hours. He then opened the floor to questions. More information More like this This class yielded some very famous aircraft, many we still use today. Trust us; we have plenty of those, too. Emergency Checklist Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it. How do you know when your date with a fighter pilot is halfway over? As for the rest of you, get down and give me 40 for lying!. 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, LLC. I was awakened late one night by a phone call from nearby Fort Meade, in Maryland. Now he likes peanuts.. How different military branches use the stars: The U.S. Army sleeps beneath the stars. If you have a military joke you think our readers would like then send it to military_jokes@strategyworld.com. I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. The steaming jungles of Vietnam were not my husbands first choice of places to spend his 21st birthday. Sent a recruit to medical-supplies office in search of fallopian tubes Hey, Im from St. Louis too! he said. Pre-flight briefing from Canadian Air Force Pilot If you hear me yell Eject, Eject, Eject, the last two will be echoes. Ask the Marines to secure a building and they will charge in, kill everybody inside, and then set up defenses to make sure nobody gets in. USAF Manual It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you have just bombed, 6. Explaining the use of the controls to a student "If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. Navy and CG Say HOOOOOYAH! with someone braver than you.'. Flight Announcements 4. Caller: Sgt. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week" The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. My startled classmate sat up and responded, Place a temporary filling, sir!. But I am public affairs, I said. Yeah, I got in a lot of trouble for that, the gunner said. My dad and uncles were all in the Army during wartime, but only two of the three served overseas. You might be in the Coast Guard if you abbreviate words so much that you forget how to spell them out. It was carefully encased in a Tupperware container and came with this note: Dick, when youre finished, can you mail back my container?. 17. What do pilots and air traffic controllers have in common? Large mahogany desk.. He snapped off a Halt! shouted our drill instructor. I cant, he said, but thats his worry now., An Air Force pilot says to a seaman, Youre in the Navy but you cant swim?, The seaman replies, Are you saying that since youre in the Air Force youre able to fly?. The U.S. Air Force chooses their hotels based on the stars. Since it was a formal affair at a country club, I went in my officers dress blue uniform. Even his son turned up. Next time I send a damn fool, I go myself., My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. If pilots screw up, they die. 66. Its important that soldiers learn from their mistakes; otherwise, theyre bound to repeat them at inopportune moments. Fighter Training Manual You know your landing gear is UP and LOCKED when it takes full power to taxi to your parking spot. A friend paid my mother a visit. Now, I was shy of six feet tall, but when our drill sergeant called for all six-footers to line up, I stepped forward anyway. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your Flight Attendants, 24. you cant do both. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?, Without hesitating the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth! The military may have invented the Internet, but not all government schemes have worked as well. Caller: Is Sgt. You can see why: If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. He then added confidentially, Weve already been through three escorts. However, a great landing is one where you can use the airplane again afterwards. The other Sergeants noticed that he looked more relaxed than ever. 46. Airman: The worst was when the air conditioner in our tent broke and it was 110 outside! Im throwing up just as far as the rest of these guys.. One day, at an event honoring veterans, a young man asked where they had been stationed. Connors eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, You used to be a bear?. Climbing out of the wreckage, Brian asked Tommy, Any idea where we are?, I think were pretty close to where we crashed last year Brian, 5. Fish Food. I was standing watch when an old, run-down freighter named Sagar Moti passed by. She's been working as a writer, editor, QA specialist, and SEO professional for more than four years. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing! Why arent there any insects in an Army base? ! Again, no reply. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite, 15. What do you use on your face to keep it so smooth? I During orientation at Fort Sill, in Oklahoma, our first sergeant stated that if anyone lost his locker key to see him, as he kept a master key in his office. An officer asked if I knew what it meant. The steaming jungles of Vietnam were not my husbands first choice of places to spend his 21st birthday. P | Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. On-time Departure Cabin doors closed 15 minutes before scheduled departure time Subsequent delays are irrelevant. Because hes a captain in the Air Force. Even his son turned up. Caller: OK. But if you say one word, it's fifty quid".
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